I should really get another booklet to draw in. i am sitting here wanting to draw but without anything to do it on. actually i think i lost my booklet from last spring. kinda sad, i liked it. also lost my particles notes. they were good notes. tempted to get up and walk outside. can't decide on a direction. well that's an excuse. honestly just not sure if i want to go outside.
I need to stop looking up to spell check, breaks my train of thought. the idiot is a good book. that's an understatement. its great. you know, as my brother said we get our notions of love from art, not philosophy. and well the art that got my notions from is Dostoevsky, the idiot in particular. Explains why i am slightly fucked up? maybe. but you know, i interpret literature for myself based on myself, with nothing else in mind then myself so the notions i gain are quite different than the notions of the book taken from any other standpoint.
I just spell checked again where was I. i suppose i also got many notions from music. music. music. music. decisions are hard sometimes. just a few minutes earlier i had a hard time decided what music to listen to. discerning desires. so difficult at time. life is strange.
I spell checked yet again. jeez its fun to click on all those read underlines. sometimes the word i want is not even on the list. so far away. so far away from the words. so far away from something. everything? that which i want? discerning what i want? my keyboard?
And now i just spell checked on purpose. i ran dry and wanted to break off the paragraph. fairly useful you know i am afraid that my roommate will come in here and see my typing i kinda don't want him to see me writing a blog. i really don't want people to know about this blog. truth be told i am a little ashamed of one of my previous posts. i jumped the gun. somewhat. in ways. there is truth to it, but superficial truth. but strangely nothing to do with beauty. which is why it is superficial. josh had it right. about what? well that's all nonsense. growth happens in 2 dimensions i guess.
Only 3-4 words that time. i forget how many. forgetfulness. Nietzsche. i reread one of my favorite parts of gemology of morals. the part about forgetfulness as a force and the right to make promises. that creature who has a right to make promises is man. the...order of thought mixed overlapping not sure which sentence to put down first. the ability of have an extended will, to will and will that will. a force which contracts forgetfulness: conscience. a beautiful idea. i like Nietzsche.
That time too many to count. gong back to the snooze question. what really tops me i un-sureness. i am not sure whether it is better to snooze or not to. so i go with the easier and the habitual. i hope to become an experimental physicist so i purpose an experiment to determine whether or not snooze is good. for 2 weeks i will not snooze. if i am prophesier(that was meant to be happier can you believe that?) on a hope. taking into account confounding variables. then i will no whether or not it is better to snooze. a good idea in my mind.
Great idea for a title: spell check. word vomit is fun. i wonder if this is how most people write most of the time. i know i don't. i abnormally(meant to be normally but the abnormal given by spell check is so much better) have to painstakingly think about every sentence and position and what not. and then i comes out awful. back to the idiot. or not. hmm. you know what upsets me somewhat. the way in which Hillel gives out candy. he makes candy specifically so as to give it away. so nice right. many people seem to think so. i think there is something wrong. and i believe i found i. its the way he gives it away. he always only gives one piece. now i may sound like someone who simply wants more candy and indeed as long as its not his fudge i do always want more. its that in a way this shows he clearly does not actually care about the enjoyment of the person he gives it to. he cares about being able to give as much as possible. he cant give a larger quantity because he wants, needs, to give more. it is not the enjoyment of others he is looking to but the act of giving seen in him by others. it is his own enjoyment in giving, completely removed from the effect of the giving on the other. now i am not accusing him of selfishness or any nonsense like that. selfishness is a great good. i am accusing him of not caring. if he truly wanted to brighten someones day, he should say to them here, take your fill. he will run out faster, yes. but the effect the candy will have on the person receiving it will be so much greater. instead of "here let me give you something" it is "here let me satisfy you." huge difference.
Well that last one was long, lots of red lines. Shes so fine, shes in my mind, i hear her calling. a lyric from a song i am listening to, resounded in my mind, felt it should be written down. you know i am in a strange circumstance. if someone asked me how i was i would say great. now if they asked why, i would give boring mundane answers. the reason for this you see is i am indeed great. but too much thought as to why i am feeling great, could very easily lead to me being sad. and so i am not going to go into it. i wrote down half a sentence and could not continue. ah oh well.
Now not only did i spell check but i also made the spaces between paragraphs. Clearly i am getting ready to end this post. somehow i am too worn out(?) to read but not so to write. so different the two things are. expressing your thoughts and developing them. my friend Sara gave me a great distinction between literature and philosophy. they both make arguments the subjects are the same, namely human life and such things relating to it. but herein lies the difference. literature tugs at your emotions and argues that way. philosophy is restricted to reason, tugging at your logical connections. literature can and is more powerful. it can effect your completely and utterly without your full knowledge of what exactly the effect is. hmm. Nietzsche however makes arguments geared towards emotions. i guess Nietzsche is literature sometimes you have to bite the bullet.
You know it really pisses me off that this thing does not auto capitalize at the begging of sentences. i am too lazy to go back and read though this and capitalize the stuff. oh well. guess what! i told someone one of my secrets. ca you believe that. i guess in a way i only have one now. except i would still consider the one i told secret since i wouldn't tell anyone else. I honestly wanted to tell someone. it is strange and bothersome to have an aspect of your life of yourself that has never existed out loud. i fear that the person i told will now interpret certain things i say and do in a different light. sometimes this different light is the true light sometimes not. sometimes i only realize my action can be interpreted with that significance after i have acted.
OK now i am sick of my whole start a paragraph with a sentence about spell checking theme. You know who i met over winter break. wait. why am i talking to you? whats with the you? who are you? are you me? i like conversations, and i think in terms of them. but general i have some named person in mind to just sit there and nod. but now. who are you? anyways enough of that. as i was saying, over winter break i met Lucy the first girl i have ever met who i considered beautiful. The girl who literally changed my life by simply saying hi to me and getting me to look up from my book. In this life, in this life, in this oh sweet life, were coming in from the cold. I looked up and was stuck. i was hit the the face with beauty. And i remember thinking to myself "dear god here i was nose in my book, not noticing this girl, this beautiful girl. oh dear god how could i miss such beauty, how could i not see. oh god why have i not been looking around, why have i not been experiencing the beauty of the world. I need to look around. i must look around me at this beautiful world." And so my life changed changed deeply, i would from then be looking around me experiencing the beauty. that was in 10th grade. lots of pivotal moments in 10th grade. well anyways, i saw her again winter break and again i was stuck by how beautiful she was. made me happy. my taste has not changed apparently. And once again being stricken stirred a great effect in me. reaffirm my notions. interestingly enough after high-school i had saw her once more before this, when i was going out with Joanna and i did not find her so intensely beautiful no great effect took place within me then. this is how i know that when i am with someone i a blind to others. Joanna of course is also this intensely beautiful the power of such beauty .. anyways it was a lot of fun to hang out with Lucy again. heard some beautiful stories. I really want to keep in touch with her somehow. maybe send her a message on Facebook and hope to have some Facebook chats. but then again what if receiving such messages annoys her. ah, that infernal skepticism that infernal assumption that my presence will annoy another person. hmm. that assumption is nonsense. it may be true that i may annoy some people by talking to them, but that should not stop me. not in any way. hmm. still a barrier of sorts.
That was my last spell check. I am done.
