sitting comfortably in the reg

Am I bored? am I boring? i guess im bored. since my mind is fairly blank but i want to to be otherwise. maybe i am in that awful place where there is nothing i want to do? actually no.
i am wrong, i am not bored. or at least not anymore. writing here really worked . also there is something i want to do. i want to walk outside. i want to walk and walk and walk. but that is not stopping me from sitting here half dead. I guess i just cant leave the reg.

problem with writing in the reg is i am afraid people will see and ask what i am doing. i really don't want people to know about this blog.

But you know what this is good, i need to write anyways, regardless of this possibility. fuck that lame fear.

 (staring off onto space tapping my shoes)

Quite a few friends have expressed fear of a mythos. fear of a reputation which permeates across the board among even those they do not know. A fear that people will have a preconceived notion of them before even meeting them. I have never worried about this. I don't know why.

It seems like a legit thing to worry about. I mean what if you fail to meet or developed a close friendship with someone because they thought all these things about you before you even met? That would suck. still the thought of it does not phase me at all. Not sure why.

maybe i am just that arrogant: if someone is swayed by preconceived notions they are not worth my snot?
Maybe i am just not capable of imagining what the preconceived notions of me could possibly be?
Weird.

This is something i am do worry about very much which is actually very similar, but completely different. I worry that people, specifically people i know well and consider good friends, will misunderstand me.  I worry that I am incapable of expressing what i mean, and that it will always come out twisted. you see the difference right? i hope so since i find it too boring to go into.

You know Glen has great insight. he understands me quite well. i asked him once how he would describe me, and he said noble but ultimately misunderstood. well at least he understand how misunderstood i feel all the time. he also said something else which i think fits me very well. he called me a diva. its pretty funny but in this weird way has this great truth to it.  

well that enough rambling for now.

loss

It finally hit me, just now, what i lost today. I lost the source of my greatest happiness this quarter. The reason i have been so happy this quarter was not the light course load, not the beautiful winter, not the ice-skating, not even getting accepted to grad schools. No it is what i lost just 9 hours ago. I am crying.

As if on purpose my headphones also broke. I swear the world likes taunting me with symbolism.

Still i want to end this post on the bright side. My good friend comforted me greatly and even gave me her headphones. And well you know that means that the greatest source of happiness in LIFE is still strong: I have great friends. And if by any chance one of my friends is reading this i just want to say, I love you.        

Chronicles of broken sound.

A bit more than a year and a half ago my headphones broke. At the time i was using an old iPod that my grandma gave me to listen to my music. I am not sure how, there was really no definable cause, but all of the sudden, one day, out of the blue, sound stopped coming out of one of the ear-buds. I was left with half the sound. Incomplete. 

It was the beginning of spring quarter of my second year. I went on that way, listening to half the music, only the lyrics to one song or only the strings to another, one ear blasted with sound the other empty, completely out of harmony and un-unified, for the rest of the quarter. when the quarter ended i went home to Miami  I tried to find a pair of headphones in my house, but failed. All of them had very low sound quality, airplane headphones, as if the sound came from a million mile away. Soon i left on an airplane headed to Chile.

When i got to Chile and began working in the lab i decided i have had enough of this. I grabbed my headphones, striped them down, cut them up, and soldered them back together. I fixed the mother fuckers. for the rest of the time in Chile i had full music one again. 

After the summer it was a new year a new quarter. Fall. Beautiful fall. And how do i start it? Obviously i proceed to lose my newly fixed headphones. Luckily i found some BAMF over-ear headphones at my grandmas. Now i had it good. But it seems i just could not hold on to such fullness of sound for long. It was a tough stressful quarter and i coped by biting my headphone wires. Soon i bit though one of the wires and was left with only half of myself. This time i would not let it stand. With the memory of fixing my headphones at my disposal i charged into my lab, cut them open, and broke out the solder. So began the endless battle of fixing and breaking that only ended a week ago with a total break. The headphones are now reduced to mere earmuffs. That quarter had its ups and downs. 

The quarter ended in catastrophe. I blame the lint. I noticed a buildup of lint inside of the iPod. I thought nothing of it. lint is lint is harmless i thought. I was wrong. one day i plugged in the headphones and no sound came out. no sound at all. The headphone jack was broken! The source of sound was broken. nothing came out out it. that was the end of all sound for a while.

At this point i was obsessed with fixing my sound problems. A headphone jack is one small part of an iPod. I could fix it, just you watch. And by god i did! Back home over winter break i found a broken iPod from years past. The hard-drive was dead. The headphone jack should still work. With the help of my dad i ripped apart both iPods and replaced the headphone jack. success. It will take more than lint to make me lose my music. 

There was however still a problem: the cable connecting the headphone jack to the hard-drive was kinda loose. Every now and then it would disconnect and i would have to rip though the exterior of the device to its heart and manually plug it back in. I could live with that. Only i did not notice, or more correctly noticed all to well, that it started happening more frequently and along with this it started to shut off randomly. The light of my lyrical life was liberality flickering. By the end of spring it turned off and could not be turned back on again. I had lost not only the source of the beautiful sound but the content of that sound. Whats left after that? Emptiness? Silence? My own isolated thoughts? What good is any of that? All was not lost, before the end i got a backup of my music onto my computer. Still being confined to my computer, to my lonely room, is no way to live. 

Salvation came that summer from my uncle. Hearing of my troubles he gave me his old iPhone. And with it came a shit-ton of new sounds. All his music was still on it. So much to explore and so much to hear. TThe battle still raged with my headphones but that was manageable. All was well.  And well, i needed those sounds. This past fall was rough. So many dreadful troubles. Without access to beautiful sound i might have lost my mind much sooner.

The strain of that fall was too much... I was drowning. I would plug in my headphones and out of one ear-bud the sound came from underwater. A little twist would fix this problem and bring it back to full clarity. But i knew that the twist was nothing more than plugin my ears to the drowning man's pleas. Soon enough the man died. No sound came from the that ear-bud anymore. The headphone jack was once again broken. The source of half my music is gone.   

Nothing left to do now but accept it. Its broken. No fixing this. The headphone battle is a lost. Now, I went out and bought some cheap headphones from the store. Using them at the computer. 

A strange thing has been happening of late. Every now and then, as i am walking, listening to my broken music, hearing my half sounds, for a brief moment a flood of music comes over both ears. For a fleeting moment i can hear the full harmony. I am awash in Awe. I try to hold still. I try to hold onto the fullness for as long as i can. But i always lose it. And quickly too. I have accepted that its broken. But now I can't help but hope as I walk, for those brief moments when everything comes together again. 

Those brief moments are not without their pain. Because i know its broken, because i have accepted that its broken, i know the moment will pass. But even knowing that i stand still, hold my breath, and try to hold on.          

Well that's the end.

By the way in case anyone reading this is too thick to figure it out, this is not just about broken electronics. 

   

     

Spell Check

I should really get another booklet to draw in. i am sitting here wanting to draw but without anything to do it on. actually i think i lost my booklet from last spring. kinda sad, i liked it. also lost my particles notes. they were good notes. tempted to get up and walk outside. can't decide on a direction. well that's an excuse. honestly just not sure if i want to go outside.

I need to stop looking up to spell check, breaks my train of thought. the idiot is a good book. that's an understatement. its great. you know, as my brother said we get our notions of love from art, not philosophy. and well the art that got my notions from is Dostoevsky,  the idiot in particular. Explains why i am slightly fucked up? maybe. but you know, i interpret literature for myself  based on myself, with nothing else in mind then myself  so the notions i gain are quite different than the notions of the book taken from any other standpoint.

I just spell checked again  where was I. i suppose i also got many notions from music. music. music. music. decisions are hard sometimes. just a few minutes earlier i had a hard time decided what music to listen to. discerning desires. so difficult at time. life is strange.

I spell checked yet again. jeez its fun to click on all those read underlines. sometimes the word i want is not even on the list. so far away. so far away from the words. so far away from something. everything? that which i want? discerning what i want? my keyboard?

And now i just spell checked on  purpose. i ran dry and wanted to break off the paragraph. fairly useful  you know i am afraid that my roommate will come in here and see my typing  i kinda don't want him to see me writing a blog. i really don't want people to know about this blog. truth be told i am a little ashamed of one of my previous posts. i jumped the gun. somewhat. in ways. there is truth to it, but superficial truth. but strangely nothing to do with beauty. which is why it is superficial. josh had it right. about what? well that's all nonsense. growth happens in 2 dimensions i guess.

Only 3-4 words that time. i forget how many. forgetfulness. Nietzsche. i reread one of my favorite parts of gemology of morals. the part about forgetfulness as a force and the right to make promises. that creature who has a right to make promises is man. the...order of thought mixed overlapping not sure which sentence to put down first. the ability of have an extended will, to will and will that will. a force which contracts forgetfulness: conscience. a beautiful idea. i like Nietzsche.

That time too many to count. gong back to the snooze question. what really tops me i un-sureness. i am not sure whether it is better to snooze or not to. so i go with the easier and the habitual. i hope to become an experimental physicist  so i purpose an experiment to determine whether or not snooze is good. for 2 weeks i will not snooze. if i am prophesier(that was meant to be happier can you believe that?)  on a hope. taking into account confounding variables. then i will no whether or not it is better to snooze. a good idea in my mind.

Great idea for a title: spell check. word vomit is fun. i wonder if this is how most people write most of the time. i know i don't. i abnormally(meant to be normally but the abnormal given by spell check is so much better) have to painstakingly think about every sentence and position and what not. and then i comes out awful. back to the idiot. or not. hmm. you know what upsets me somewhat. the way in which Hillel gives out candy. he makes candy specifically so as to give it away. so nice right. many people seem to think so. i think there is something wrong. and i believe i found i. its the way he gives it away. he always only gives one piece. now i may sound like someone who simply wants more candy  and indeed as long as its not his fudge i do always want more. its that in a way this shows he clearly does not actually care about the enjoyment of the person he gives it to. he cares about being able to give as much as possible. he cant give a larger quantity because he wants, needs, to give more. it is not the enjoyment of others he is looking to but the act of giving seen in him by others. it is his own enjoyment in giving, completely removed from the effect of the giving on the other. now i am not accusing him of selfishness or any nonsense like that. selfishness is a great good. i am accusing him of not caring. if he truly wanted to brighten someones day, he should say to them here, take your fill. he will run out faster, yes. but the effect the candy will have on the person receiving it will be so much greater. instead of "here let me give you something" it is "here let me satisfy you." huge difference.

Well that last one was long, lots of red lines. Shes so fine, shes in my mind, i hear her calling. a lyric from a song i am listening to, resounded in my mind, felt it should be written down. you know i am in a strange circumstance. if someone asked me how i was i would say great. now if they asked why, i would give boring mundane answers. the reason for this you see is i am indeed great. but too much thought as to why i am feeling great, could very easily lead to me being sad. and so i am not going to go into it. i wrote down half a sentence and could not continue. ah oh well.

Now not only did i spell check but i also made the spaces between paragraphs. Clearly i am getting ready to end this post. somehow i am too worn out(?) to read but not so to write. so different the two things are. expressing your thoughts and developing them. my friend Sara gave me a great distinction between literature and philosophy. they both make arguments  the subjects are the same, namely human life and such things relating to it. but herein lies the difference. literature tugs at your emotions and argues that way. philosophy is restricted to reason, tugging at your logical connections. literature can and is more powerful. it can effect your completely and utterly without your full knowledge of what exactly the effect is. hmm. Nietzsche however makes arguments geared towards emotions. i guess Nietzsche is literature  sometimes you have to bite the bullet.  

You know it really pisses me off that this thing does not auto capitalize at the begging of sentences. i am too lazy to go back and read though this and capitalize the stuff. oh well. guess what! i told someone one of my secrets. ca you believe that. i guess in a way i only have one now. except i would still consider the one i told  secret since i wouldn't tell anyone else. I honestly wanted to tell someone. it is strange and bothersome to have an aspect of your life of yourself that has never existed out loud. i fear that the person i told will now interpret certain things i say and do in a different light. sometimes this different light is the true light sometimes not. sometimes i only realize my action can be interpreted with that significance after i have acted.

OK now i am sick of my whole start a paragraph with a sentence about spell checking theme. You know who i met over winter break. wait. why am i talking to you? whats with the you? who are you? are you me? i like conversations, and i think in terms of them. but general i have some named person in mind to just sit there and nod. but now. who are you? anyways enough of that. as i was saying, over winter break i met Lucy  the first girl i have ever met who i considered beautiful. The girl who literally changed my life by simply saying hi to me and getting me to look up from my book. In this life, in this life, in this oh sweet life, were coming in from the cold. I looked up and was stuck. i was hit the the face with beauty. And i remember thinking to myself "dear god here i was nose in my book, not noticing this girl, this beautiful girl. oh dear god how could i miss such beauty, how could i not see. oh god why have i not been looking around, why have i not been experiencing the beauty of the world. I need to look around. i must look around me at this beautiful world." And so my life changed  changed deeply, i would from then be looking around me experiencing the beauty. that was in 10th grade. lots of pivotal moments in 10th grade. well anyways, i saw her again winter break and again i was stuck by how beautiful she was. made me happy. my taste has not changed apparently. And once again being stricken stirred a great effect in me. reaffirm  my notions. interestingly enough after high-school i had saw her once more before this, when i was going out with Joanna  and i did not find her so intensely beautiful  no great effect took place within me then. this is how i know that when i am with someone i a blind to others. Joanna of course is also this intensely beautiful  the power of such beauty .. anyways it was a lot of fun to hang out with Lucy again. heard some beautiful stories. I really want to keep in touch with her somehow. maybe send her a message on Facebook and hope to have some Facebook chats. but then again what if receiving such messages annoys her. ah, that infernal skepticism  that infernal assumption that my presence will annoy another person. hmm. that assumption is nonsense. it may be true that i may annoy some people by talking to them, but that should not stop me. not in any way. hmm. still a barrier of sorts.  

That was my last spell check. I am done.    

Nonsense