Escape

I have been watching a lot of tv. Like too much.  It has occurred to me that I am using tv as an escape. An escape from what? I don't know. something. boredom maybe? That's too easy. Loneliness maybe? heartbreak? myself? expectations? thinking? emptiness? Fuck if i know. all these things? none of these things? Point is I am escaping from something. Hiding myself away from the world. Which just creates more emptiness. So much emptiness I feel like exploding. Except there is noting to there to explode. Maybe that's why I have decided to write on this blog again. Anti-tv? not quite.

Thing with escaping is that its been a theme of my thoughts for a long time. About 2 years ago or so I was talking with my aunt about my dreams and she pointed out that they all had to do with escaping in some way. And its so true. But what could I have been escaping from in my childhood? Has it been the same thing this whole time? Or is it constantly changing and only the constant is the need to escape?

Chances are I know very well what I am escaping from but I will not let myself admit it. I wont let myself realize.

The thing is I hate the idea of escape. I want more than anything to exist in the the world. To feel it weighing on me from all sides. (my desk is vibrating from my music. Its awesome.) But not just that, I want to be part of this world, express myself to it. Feedback. The exact opposite of escape from the world.

Even still, I don't want to wake up in the mornings. I prefer in those moments my dreams, my little world surrounded by blankets. And then once I am awake, I never want to sleep again. Because I know that once I do I will not want to wake again. But then when I am awake I am watching tv. Which is often the same as dreaming. Or is it the other way around.

On the same theme of escape. I am into bondage. I love the feeling of being tied up, confined, unable to move. Though that's a whole other can of worms and probably deserves its own post. What might my desire to be bound have to do with my desire to escape? two sides of the same coin? nothing to do with each other? different aspects of myself in competition?

I just remembered something. That may or may not be relevant. When I was little my parents would take me and my brother to their rehearsals. Where we would proceed to have nothing to do. And be bored. I distinctly remember that feeling of boredom. It was a feeling of wrongness. A feeling I get every now and then and associate very strongly with something being wrong. If I feel that now I think fuck something is wrong, I need to leave, now. Escape if you will.

Anyways, is escape always bad? As much as I associate most escape with all which is wrong there are some forms of escape which are good. the above paragraph for example. Escaping from that feeling of wrongness is good in my book. More than that there is a huge part of me which is capable of just existing in my own little world. Shutting myself in. Escaping from that it also good. Especially considering the infinite value I place on experiencing the world which is not my own making.  

           

How did I ever come to believe I could communicate?

I have decided to start writing again in this blog. (And no this had nothing to do with the title of this post)