well i am mildly annoyed. such is life. i feel so sluggish. i have a desire to be filled with energy, get up, do the dishes and make cookies. and yet. i am incapable of giving myself this energy. actually fuck that. its not true at all. i very well can give myself that energy. but for some reason i don't want to. i want to stay sluggish. hmm maybe i should replace the word sluggish with depressed. hmm. w/e. use either word you want. ugh. i must be slightly depressed. maybe it is because something i was looking forward to didn't go how i wanted. actually it didn't go at all. i wish i knew what to do to wake. something can be done i am sure of it. question is what. fuck i am overthinking. well hell.
woot. just fixed my ipod again. actually i didn't. i just found out what was wrong with it.
Interesting: speelcheck turns overthinking into freethinking.
Fuck, why can't i do those dishes. been meaning to do them for a week.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
joy at excessive work
something about having more work than i can possible handle that gives me such joy. i just found out i have my bio essay due this week on top of everything else i have to do. basically making something due every day. each thing requires about day to complete, which means i need to work nonstop until this Friday. Mostly likely i will have to pull multiple allnighters in a row to get everything done. and yet instead of panicking, becoming sad and dejected at the amount of work, i have become insanely happy. man i got issues. Shit i was so happy i almost cried.
I think i like a challenge. And this is a challenge, so bring it.
Also this helps me understand and even be happy about someone else being busy until next Saturday.
Life is good.
i wonder why i am writing this instead of doing said work.
Because i wanted to. because that's what its all about anyway.
such is like.
OK goodbye.
why am i still typing.
I think i like a challenge. And this is a challenge, so bring it.
Also this helps me understand and even be happy about someone else being busy until next Saturday.
Life is good.
i wonder why i am writing this instead of doing said work.
Because i wanted to. because that's what its all about anyway.
such is like.
OK goodbye.
why am i still typing.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
love part two
Earlier i posted something on the subject of love. but it had to do more with what i consider it is to be over someone rather than what i consider it is to be in love. now i want to answer the second question. And i will tell you it is not an easy one to answer.
Once again i must go back to that mountain. Up there at the top of that mountain, feeling the mountain air, breathing it in. feeling the pellets of snow whirling around my face. huddling behind a rock for protection against the wind which would tear you apart. starring out at the world, the singing snow, and the glimpses of neighboring peaks. every breath fills you with joy. every breath fills you with life. every breath... there are really no words to describe the feeling gained from every single breath. No words to describe the feeling of that experience, no words besides love. that is love. that feeling in every breath.
That is love. a very bad description i admit but i hope you get the idea. so what does it mean to be in love with someone. well very simple. your in love with someone when being with them inspires that feeling. when being with them fills you up. fills you up with the joy of life.
come to think of it, or actually come to listen to it, there is a song which describes love better than i can. Hallelujah. that song is by far the best description of love i have ever heard.
Love is hallelujah. love is when every single breath you draw is a hallelujah.
Once again i must go back to that mountain. Up there at the top of that mountain, feeling the mountain air, breathing it in. feeling the pellets of snow whirling around my face. huddling behind a rock for protection against the wind which would tear you apart. starring out at the world, the singing snow, and the glimpses of neighboring peaks. every breath fills you with joy. every breath fills you with life. every breath... there are really no words to describe the feeling gained from every single breath. No words to describe the feeling of that experience, no words besides love. that is love. that feeling in every breath.
That is love. a very bad description i admit but i hope you get the idea. so what does it mean to be in love with someone. well very simple. your in love with someone when being with them inspires that feeling. when being with them fills you up. fills you up with the joy of life.
come to think of it, or actually come to listen to it, there is a song which describes love better than i can. Hallelujah. that song is by far the best description of love i have ever heard.
Love is hallelujah. love is when every single breath you draw is a hallelujah.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
love part 1
This is something i have had on my mind for a while now. If someone asks me if i still love Joanna, I say yes. When people ask me if i am over Joanna, I say yes. I am. I also say I got over her when i climbed a mountain in a storm. Now, what people think this means is: faced with the beauty and power of nature at its highest intensity, I realized that me, and Joanna and my love for her and our relationship are nothing in comparison. They are dead wrong. I love Joanna. (I will get to what i think that means in a few moments) On the top of that mountain i did not think of Joanna at all. I did not think of anything but the experience of being there.
Once i had climbed down and was back in the city i took a look at the photographs i had taken of the mountain. After i got to the end of those pictures i saw that there were other pictures on the camera. Some of these other pictures were of me and Joanna. As i looked at these pictures still buzzing with the mountain high i realized something: They are not comparable (this is actually a topology metaphor). I love Joanna. Nothing i do will change that. nor should anything i do change that. i love her. And i love that mountain. she does not love me, and that is that. I can not be with her or love her in the action sense of the word. but that changes nothing. Just as me no longer being on that mountain changes nothing about the fact that i love that mountain. And just like that, i was at peace with it. and that is what i mean when i say i am over her. i am at peace with the knowledge that i love her and she does not love me.
I have some more to say but i should be heading to class. maybe i will make a part 2 next time i post.
blank blank blank
Everyone is such a pussy. my god.. meh, i don't care enough to complain about people being to afraid to walk home at night ( actually i do care but don't want to waste my time complaining). I suppose it is dangerous but still people should have the courage to walk 6 blocks.
anyways not too much more to be said about that. staying up all night is great.
blank blank blank. why is my mind blank fright now. just a second ago it was filled with various thoughts. so many. of all different types. i suppose a blog and deciding to write things down can do that to you.
Blank blank blank plank.
anyways not too much more to be said about that. staying up all night is great.
blank blank blank. why is my mind blank fright now. just a second ago it was filled with various thoughts. so many. of all different types. i suppose a blog and deciding to write things down can do that to you.
Blank blank blank plank.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
scattered thoughts
writing is difficult. thoughts need to settle down before you can write them. one of the points of this blog wads to write down my thoughts as they come but its truly impossible. have to pick one line and stick with it. sad but maybe a good thing. forced organization. only problem is as now i end up talking about writing and not much else.
well time to pick something. David Bowie. listening to David Bowie. i got back into him because i felt like singing rock and roll suicide at karaoke. brilliant. beautiful. its a song that just builds and builds and builds. by the end it is just... lack of words. lots of his song are life that, building. and so many of the songs are different form each other and everything else. I have realized i like that kind of thing. I like new sounds. sounds i have never thought of before.
Ah music. I have always been so self conscious about music, and i still am. only now i try to ignore that self conscious part of myself. It is so much better to just listen to what you like, talk about what you like and sing what you like regardless of other people. I think i am so self conscious about music because my family is all musicians. On the cruise talking with all of them and hearing them talk made it so obvious. They talk about it so knowledgeably and judge it so technically, based on things i flat out don't understand. whats worse is that talk about it being good or bad based on these things. Furthermore they talk about people who don't know these thing, people like me, and speculate as to how they hear the music. And so whenever i think to talk about music, or even listen to music, i cant help but think of myself being judged for my ignorance. look he can't even tell good music from bad music. shit like that. MAN, FUCK THAT. I can tell if music has an effect on me. And if you ask me, what makes musics good, like any other art, is if it has an effect on someone. If it brings something out in a person, or better brings something unheard of to the person. The way i like to phrase it is: the music i want to listen to is music that speaks to me. simple.
ah simple. my life, my joys and my troubles are all so simple. I heard my cousins talking about their relationship troubles and all of them had the most complicated situations i heard of in my life. This whit that and that with this and this preventing that and then another this and that and so many thats and thises i could hardly keep up. Me, my troubles are simple. I love a girl. She does not love me. I don't know whats better simple troubles or complicated ones. Problem with simple troubles is there is generally nothing you can do about it. Complicated ones on the other hand seem like a huge head ache. oh well. such is life.
I really like how two best things both start with an L. Love and Life. As a result L is my favorite letter. it is also a beautiful letter in cursive. beautiful curves and a joy to write down. Something i really want to do is write Ls on random walls. The world could do with some more Love, Life, Luck, Lust, and Laughter. come to think of it, sadly most Ls will be interpreted to mean loser. But hey maybe that not so bad, i mean we all are losers anyways or at least I am. Know whats sad, I am egotistical enough to think that i am as good as anyone else. therefore since i am a loser everyone must be a loser. well that just took a dark turn. I don't really think i am a loser. I only lost her. Its like my man John Lennon once said: "Part of me suspects that I'm a loser, and the other part of me thinks I'm God Almighty."
I Love my family.
I really don't know where to go from here. Some things just can't be said. Others just wont be said. Secrets. I would say a secret is best defined as something you won't say. If someone asks you something and you refuse to say it then it is a secret. I have very few secrets. Would be nice not to have any but such is life. Luckily I have only 2 (maybe 3) that I can think of. I am not counting promises of silence I made to other people, those are not my secrets, those are other peoples secrets. Now the question I have is what causes a secret? thinking about it in my case at least i think it is shame. If you are ashamed of something, you wont tell anyone about it. shame is a powerful thing. Notes from the Underground shows the power of shame like no other. The narrator constantly is talking about how he is ashamed of himself. And what is the result? The result a most despicable wretch, something lower than an insect. It is not pride as Christianity suggest that is a sin but shame. Reason tells me I should not be ashamed of my secrets but i am. reason is weak. Another reason someone may have a secret is to protect others. If you knew something which if revealed would cause harm to others, you would not tell a soul unless you felt you could trust them. I suppose most military secrets are of that kind. Still these secrets are only half secrets (the maybe 3) since you could still tell someone if you trusted them enough. The other type, the ones stemming from shame, now those you don't tell a soul regardless of trust.
I want to trust everyone. Actually scratch that. I trust everyone.
Well i have been writing now for about 3 hours. It is now 2:42 am. I have class tomorrow at 12:00 pm. plenty of time. The start of a new quarter. I have a good feeling. Today was beautiful. Winter is beautiful. lets see what the winter brings.
I just remembered a great quote i saw in a note on john's fb. A beautiful quote, spoke straight to my heart. (maybe i will talk more about it some other day, as for today its time for sleep) Something to always keep in mind:
"A dead thing can go with the stream, only a live thing can go against it."
well time to pick something. David Bowie. listening to David Bowie. i got back into him because i felt like singing rock and roll suicide at karaoke. brilliant. beautiful. its a song that just builds and builds and builds. by the end it is just... lack of words. lots of his song are life that, building. and so many of the songs are different form each other and everything else. I have realized i like that kind of thing. I like new sounds. sounds i have never thought of before.
Ah music. I have always been so self conscious about music, and i still am. only now i try to ignore that self conscious part of myself. It is so much better to just listen to what you like, talk about what you like and sing what you like regardless of other people. I think i am so self conscious about music because my family is all musicians. On the cruise talking with all of them and hearing them talk made it so obvious. They talk about it so knowledgeably and judge it so technically, based on things i flat out don't understand. whats worse is that talk about it being good or bad based on these things. Furthermore they talk about people who don't know these thing, people like me, and speculate as to how they hear the music. And so whenever i think to talk about music, or even listen to music, i cant help but think of myself being judged for my ignorance. look he can't even tell good music from bad music. shit like that. MAN, FUCK THAT. I can tell if music has an effect on me. And if you ask me, what makes musics good, like any other art, is if it has an effect on someone. If it brings something out in a person, or better brings something unheard of to the person. The way i like to phrase it is: the music i want to listen to is music that speaks to me. simple.
ah simple. my life, my joys and my troubles are all so simple. I heard my cousins talking about their relationship troubles and all of them had the most complicated situations i heard of in my life. This whit that and that with this and this preventing that and then another this and that and so many thats and thises i could hardly keep up. Me, my troubles are simple. I love a girl. She does not love me. I don't know whats better simple troubles or complicated ones. Problem with simple troubles is there is generally nothing you can do about it. Complicated ones on the other hand seem like a huge head ache. oh well. such is life.
I really like how two best things both start with an L. Love and Life. As a result L is my favorite letter. it is also a beautiful letter in cursive. beautiful curves and a joy to write down. Something i really want to do is write Ls on random walls. The world could do with some more Love, Life, Luck, Lust, and Laughter. come to think of it, sadly most Ls will be interpreted to mean loser. But hey maybe that not so bad, i mean we all are losers anyways or at least I am. Know whats sad, I am egotistical enough to think that i am as good as anyone else. therefore since i am a loser everyone must be a loser. well that just took a dark turn. I don't really think i am a loser. I only lost her. Its like my man John Lennon once said: "Part of me suspects that I'm a loser, and the other part of me thinks I'm God Almighty."
I Love my family.
I really don't know where to go from here. Some things just can't be said. Others just wont be said. Secrets. I would say a secret is best defined as something you won't say. If someone asks you something and you refuse to say it then it is a secret. I have very few secrets. Would be nice not to have any but such is life. Luckily I have only 2 (maybe 3) that I can think of. I am not counting promises of silence I made to other people, those are not my secrets, those are other peoples secrets. Now the question I have is what causes a secret? thinking about it in my case at least i think it is shame. If you are ashamed of something, you wont tell anyone about it. shame is a powerful thing. Notes from the Underground shows the power of shame like no other. The narrator constantly is talking about how he is ashamed of himself. And what is the result? The result a most despicable wretch, something lower than an insect. It is not pride as Christianity suggest that is a sin but shame. Reason tells me I should not be ashamed of my secrets but i am. reason is weak. Another reason someone may have a secret is to protect others. If you knew something which if revealed would cause harm to others, you would not tell a soul unless you felt you could trust them. I suppose most military secrets are of that kind. Still these secrets are only half secrets (the maybe 3) since you could still tell someone if you trusted them enough. The other type, the ones stemming from shame, now those you don't tell a soul regardless of trust.
I want to trust everyone. Actually scratch that. I trust everyone.
Well i have been writing now for about 3 hours. It is now 2:42 am. I have class tomorrow at 12:00 pm. plenty of time. The start of a new quarter. I have a good feeling. Today was beautiful. Winter is beautiful. lets see what the winter brings.
I just remembered a great quote i saw in a note on john's fb. A beautiful quote, spoke straight to my heart. (maybe i will talk more about it some other day, as for today its time for sleep) Something to always keep in mind:
"A dead thing can go with the stream, only a live thing can go against it."
Monday, January 2, 2012
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