wasted away

The past week i have wasted away. i have slept alot. watched alot of tv, gossip girl. and i have played alot of video games.( I have just noticed i used the word alot. To all you grammar freaks i know alot is not a real word. but guess what, everyone knows what is meant by the 4 letters ALOT. I like these 4 letters in combination, and by god i will continue to use them regardless of your gasps of horror.) Now you may be thinking i consider this a waste because this means i got no "work" done. you are not completely wrong. When telling anyone about this waste i will of course mention this lack of work. At the same time however you are completely wrong. Work has nothing to do with it.

A week without joy is a waste. that is the only waste. anything without joy or leading to joy is a waste. that is my veiw on life. When i play these video games and watch tv i have fun sure, but it is emotionless fun. It is a deadening fun. i realized that doing these things gave me no joy and yet i continued. i continued knowing full well that it was all simply deadening.

I find this disturbing. why did i continue. did i somehow want this numbness. or did i just decide it was easier. or maybe i am just addicted. or maybe i could not think of anything better to do.

Now here is where all these work obsessed freaks have their glimpse of being right. when I at last stayed up all night doing work instead of playing video games, when the sun came up i was filled with joy. Apparently i am the type of person to derive joy from doing work. I will not admit to this just yet for i have a few other theories but its looks about right.

I feel like I was a bit too harsh on the tv and video games. Chuck and his relationships from gossip girl did in fact give me some measure of joy. As far as video games go I had some good conversations with one of people i had been playing with.  And honestly very few things relax me the way video games do. The relaxation may not be joyous but it still important.


As always the answer i come to should have been obvious from the start. I need balance. And lots of it. hmmm. The answer becomes less obvious as time goes on. the balancing point is unstable. It is like a ball on top of a hill. regardless of how well you balance it eventually the symmetry will break and it will roll down one side of the hill. so now we have a hill with various sides. if one side is the side of deadening numbness, then there must be a side of unrelenting joy. I know this to be true. And seeing this possibility why the hell should i in any way play the balancing act, when clearly i want to roll down a particular side.

I have oversimplified things with the hill metaphor, the real hill is in no way symmetric and it might even be raining. It is so easy to slip down the deadening path. Luckily for me i enjoy the rain.