writing is difficult. thoughts need to settle down before you can write them. one of the points of this blog wads to write down my thoughts as they come but its truly impossible. have to pick one line and stick with it. sad but maybe a good thing. forced organization. only problem is as now i end up talking about writing and not much else.
well time to pick something. David Bowie. listening to David Bowie. i got back into him because i felt like singing rock and roll suicide at karaoke. brilliant. beautiful. its a song that just builds and builds and builds. by the end it is just... lack of words. lots of his song are life that, building. and so many of the songs are different form each other and everything else. I have realized i like that kind of thing. I like new sounds. sounds i have never thought of before.
Ah music. I have always been so self conscious about music, and i still am. only now i try to ignore that self conscious part of myself. It is so much better to just listen to what you like, talk about what you like and sing what you like regardless of other people. I think i am so self conscious about music because my family is all musicians. On the cruise talking with all of them and hearing them talk made it so obvious. They talk about it so knowledgeably and judge it so technically, based on things i flat out don't understand. whats worse is that talk about it being good or bad based on these things. Furthermore they talk about people who don't know these thing, people like me, and speculate as to how they hear the music. And so whenever i think to talk about music, or even listen to music, i cant help but think of myself being judged for my ignorance. look he can't even tell good music from bad music. shit like that. MAN, FUCK THAT. I can tell if music has an effect on me. And if you ask me, what makes musics good, like any other art, is if it has an effect on someone. If it brings something out in a person, or better brings something unheard of to the person. The way i like to phrase it is: the music i want to listen to is music that speaks to me. simple.
ah simple. my life, my joys and my troubles are all so simple. I heard my cousins talking about their relationship troubles and all of them had the most complicated situations i heard of in my life. This whit that and that with this and this preventing that and then another this and that and so many thats and thises i could hardly keep up. Me, my troubles are simple. I love a girl. She does not love me. I don't know whats better simple troubles or complicated ones. Problem with simple troubles is there is generally nothing you can do about it. Complicated ones on the other hand seem like a huge head ache. oh well. such is life.
I really like how two best things both start with an L. Love and Life. As a result L is my favorite letter. it is also a beautiful letter in cursive. beautiful curves and a joy to write down. Something i really want to do is write Ls on random walls. The world could do with some more Love, Life, Luck, Lust, and Laughter. come to think of it, sadly most Ls will be interpreted to mean loser. But hey maybe that not so bad, i mean we all are losers anyways or at least I am. Know whats sad, I am egotistical enough to think that i am as good as anyone else. therefore since i am a loser everyone must be a loser. well that just took a dark turn. I don't really think i am a loser. I only lost her. Its like my man John Lennon once said: "Part of me suspects that I'm a loser, and the other part of me thinks I'm God Almighty."
I Love my family.
I really don't know where to go from here. Some things just can't be said. Others just wont be said. Secrets. I would say a secret is best defined as something you won't say. If someone asks you something and you refuse to say it then it is a secret. I have very few secrets. Would be nice not to have any but such is life. Luckily I have only 2 (maybe 3) that I can think of. I am not counting promises of silence I made to other people, those are not my secrets, those are other peoples secrets. Now the question I have is what causes a secret? thinking about it in my case at least i think it is shame. If you are ashamed of something, you wont tell anyone about it. shame is a powerful thing. Notes from the Underground shows the power of shame like no other. The narrator constantly is talking about how he is ashamed of himself. And what is the result? The result a most despicable wretch, something lower than an insect. It is not pride as Christianity suggest that is a sin but shame. Reason tells me I should not be ashamed of my secrets but i am. reason is weak. Another reason someone may have a secret is to protect others. If you knew something which if revealed would cause harm to others, you would not tell a soul unless you felt you could trust them. I suppose most military secrets are of that kind. Still these secrets are only half secrets (the maybe 3) since you could still tell someone if you trusted them enough. The other type, the ones stemming from shame, now those you don't tell a soul regardless of trust.
I want to trust everyone. Actually scratch that. I trust everyone.
Well i have been writing now for about 3 hours. It is now 2:42 am. I have class tomorrow at 12:00 pm. plenty of time. The start of a new quarter. I have a good feeling. Today was beautiful. Winter is beautiful. lets see what the winter brings.
I just remembered a great quote i saw in a note on john's fb. A beautiful quote, spoke straight to my heart. (maybe i will talk more about it some other day, as for today its time for sleep) Something to always keep in mind:
"A dead thing can go with the stream, only a live thing can go against it."
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