the end

I think i am done with this blog. i realized i would rather draw in a notebook then write on a computer. maybe if i have something stuck on my mind i will write it down here, but i wouldn't count on it.

problem with capitalism

here is the problem with america, or actually with capitalism. there is a lot of progress, a lot of inventing, a lot of brilliant things. but it all goes too far. My iPod is broken. i am letting it go. there is nothing left to do to keep it alive. it wont turn on. its probably good that i am letting it go. being able to let things go is a good thing. Anyways,  today i looked up ipods on the apple website. i looked specifically for ipod classics, i don't want any of this touch nonsense. And here is what i found: a ipod classic for $250. It had 160 GB of storage. That was the only model for classic available. No one and i mean no one can possibly use 160 GB of music.  Now, 8 years ago they had 30 GB ipods for the same price. Now they have better technology. Thanks to capitalism. but what happens due to this new technology. Do we get cheaper 30 GB ipods? No. we get the same price but now an absurd 160GB. It is honestly fucking stupid.
This exemplifies the problem of capitalism. we advance develop new things, new capabilities. but how do we use these capabilities, we make something that adds nothing, we overload. its why even with all this technology we work as hard if not more than before. we have capabilities to work less and  receive just as much but instead the market demands that we work just as much and revive more than we can possibly enjoy . joy is gone.

I just played tetris

For the first time since i started my blog i played tetris. and i hated myself for it. all the while i was playing it i was hating myself. At one point i realized i had decided to play tetris specifically because i wanted to upset myself. talk about perverted. doing something specifically so as to become upset. i probably wanted to upset myself to relive the total dull feeling of writing this biology paper. Ugh, talk about terrible.
And do you know whats the worst thing about this perversion of tetris? do you know why i started playing and became good at tetris in the first place? Do you have any idea? I started playing tetris to become closer to my grandpa who died before i could even get to know him. I noticed that the ancient mac in my grandmas basement had tetris on it. the oldest version of tetris imaginable, older than the atri version. On on this tetris every single high score belonged to my grandpa. now I hold one or two spots near the bottom of the high score list.  And now i hate myself for playing tetris.

You can learn some things from playing tetris. For example, it is not a general lack of ability which leads to the loss of a game. no it is one small mistake. one simple misplaced piece leads to a cascade of failures. what is my small mistake in life. my small mistake is playing tetris. dwindle away my time, shirking from life, shirking form all that is good.

Speaking of dwindling time. I slept for 13 hours yesterday. I had much to do so i decided to take a nap. my alarm failed and a i woke up much later than expected. that is not a problem. what is a problem is i stayed in bed. i was not even sleepy. i just felt like staying in bed. i felt doing nothing, just staying on the couch, lying there. no i was not sleepy, i was tired, tired with life. ahhhhhh. that pains me. the fact that i could at some moment be tired with life. i would like to say i am someone with unending vitality but the truth is i am not. and it pains me. Oh well. the truth is you just do what you can. actually you do what you care to. I care. i care to care. and tetris oh tetris is a form of not caring. and i hate myself for that. 

meh

well i am mildly annoyed. such is life. i feel so sluggish. i have a desire to be filled with energy, get up, do the dishes and make cookies. and yet. i am incapable of giving myself this energy. actually fuck that. its not true at all. i very well can give myself that energy. but for some reason i don't want to. i want to stay sluggish. hmm maybe i should replace the word sluggish with depressed. hmm. w/e. use either word you want. ugh. i must  be slightly depressed. maybe it is because something i was looking forward to didn't go how i wanted. actually it didn't go at all. i wish i knew what to do to wake. something can be done i am sure of it. question is what. fuck i am overthinking. well hell.

woot. just fixed my ipod again. actually i didn't. i just found out what was wrong with it.

Interesting: speelcheck turns overthinking into freethinking.

Fuck, why can't i do those dishes. been meaning to do them for a week.

joy at excessive work

something about having more work than i can possible handle that gives me such joy. i just found out i have my bio essay due this week on top of everything else i have to do. basically making something due every day. each thing requires about  day to complete, which means i need to work nonstop until this Friday. Mostly likely i will have to pull multiple allnighters in a row to get everything done. and yet instead of panicking, becoming sad and dejected at the amount of work, i have become insanely happy. man i got issues. Shit i was so happy i almost cried.

I think i like a challenge. And this is a challenge, so bring it.

Also this helps me understand and even be happy about someone else being busy until next Saturday.

Life is good.

i wonder why i am writing this instead of doing said work.

Because i wanted to. because that's what its all about anyway.  

such is like.

OK goodbye.

why am i still typing.

love part two

Earlier i posted something on the subject of love. but it had to do more with what i consider it is to be over someone rather than what i consider it is to be in love. now i want to answer the second question. And i will tell you it is not an easy one to answer.

Once again i must go back to that mountain. Up there at the top of that mountain, feeling the mountain air, breathing it in. feeling the pellets of snow whirling around my face. huddling behind a rock for protection against the wind which would tear you apart. starring out at the world, the singing snow, and the glimpses of neighboring peaks. every breath fills you with joy. every breath fills you with life. every breath... there are really no words to describe the feeling gained from every single breath. No words to describe the feeling of that experience, no words besides love. that is love. that feeling in every breath.

That is love. a very bad description i admit but i hope you get the idea. so what does it mean to be in love with someone. well very simple. your in love with someone when being with them inspires that feeling. when being with them fills you up. fills you up with the joy of life.

come to think of it, or actually come to listen to it, there is a song which describes love better than i can.  Hallelujah. that song is by far the best description of love i have ever heard.

Love is hallelujah. love is when every single breath you draw is a hallelujah.

love part 1

This is something i have had on my mind for a while now. If someone asks me if i still love Joanna, I say yes. When people ask me if i am over Joanna, I say yes. I am. I also say I got over her when i climbed a mountain in a storm. Now, what people think this means is: faced with the beauty and power of nature at its highest intensity, I realized that me, and Joanna and my love for her and our relationship are nothing in comparison. They are dead wrong. I love Joanna. (I will get to what i think that means in a few moments) On the top of that mountain i did not think of Joanna at all. I did not think of anything but the experience of being there. 

Once i had climbed down and was back in the city i took a look at the photographs i had taken of the mountain. After i got to the end of those pictures i saw that there were other pictures on the camera. Some of these other pictures were of me and Joanna. As i looked at these pictures still buzzing with the mountain high i realized something: They are not comparable (this is actually a topology metaphor). I love Joanna.  Nothing i do will change that. nor should anything i do change that. i love her. And i love that mountain. she does not love me, and that is that. I can not be with her or love her in the action sense of the word. but that changes nothing. Just as me no longer being on that mountain changes nothing about the fact that i love that mountain. And just like that, i was at peace with it. and that is what i mean when i say i am over her. i am at peace with the knowledge that i love her and she does not love me.

I have some more to say but i should be heading to class. maybe i will make a part 2 next time i post.